Extra Extra Read All About It

Where the hell have I been?!

I don't call, post, or send flowers?!

How rude of me!

Well, gather round children.

For it is story time!

Today's tale is that of my own.

Ah, yes, tis an enjoyable telling that dates back to June of 2011

The tale of my summer travels . . .

It all began when my handsome husband graduated from UCLA. 

As a graduation present and reward for all the hard work he put in, I got us two tickets to a little place down in the dirty south by the name of New Orleans (pronounced Nawleans)

Since we've been wanting to go for some time, I figured "Hey, what better time than now?! He just graduated and the humidity is at its peak... what better time than now?"

June 13th- June 17th

And I'm not kidding about the humidity.

The moment I stepped out the door I was sweating like a whore in church.

Then just around the corner comes my favorite holiday.

INDEFUCKINGPENDENCE DAY!

Spent the day grilling, eating, swimming and drinking with my man, my bestie and the homies.

July 4th

Skip to the last chapter of the book which brings us to the end of summer where my parents, younger siblings, uncle, boyfriend and I go to London for a few days before going on a safari in three different countries in Africa.

I don't want to bore you with stupid details of my even stupider trip so I'll keep it brief:

London for 3 days

South Africa for 1 day

Botswana for 4 days

Zimbabwe for 4 days

then back to 

South Africa for 4 days

July 28th- August 10th

So, yeah, we saw hippos, lions, giraffe, rhinos, crocodiles, hyenas, etc. 

But like I said, I don't want to bore you with my stories. 

WASP 101

Ivy leagues, yachting, and a walk in closet loaded with every corduroy pant and every tweed blazer Brooks Brothers have ever manufactured are some of the many ingredients in the WASP lifestyle.

One cannot just become a WASP. Oh, no. One must be born with this oh so rich blue blood. However, that should not discourage you furthering your understanding of this prosperous way of life. To make it easy I have made a small list of things WASPs love!

Garden Brunches- where fellow WASPs, trust-fund babies, hedgies and others of the sort talk about recently purchased art pieces, stocks and summer house renovations. All the while sipping on Cristal Brut 1990 "Methuselah" (a cool $17,625 a bottle) and nibbling on beluga caviar blinis. Note: it is extremely important not to mention the obvious blow/vicodin addiction your friend's child has recently developed (to her face). This discussion is held till coffee and crumb cake is passed out.

Tasseled Loafers- a WASP is not a WASP without his or her mahogany colored loafers. The rules are lenient with females. Their loafers may be a range of colors. Beige, sand dune beige, latte beige, beige again- or even khaki if you want to be daring! Women get to have all the fun with colors. However, men must stick to the Law of the Loafers: dark rich brown with tassels. If you are a WASP, this goes without being said, tassels are what make the shoe. If you buy tassel-less loafers might as well write NOUVEAU RICHE on your butler's forehead!

Cocaine- every WASP has some on them or are a text away from someone that does. Everyone needs a little pick me up.

Poker Games- an evening loaded with good Scotch and Cohiba Esplendido cigars and buy-ins starting at $25,000. Cash isn't the only thing one can wager. Many options include: "one night with my wife", horses with stables included, car keys, mistresses, and promises to fulfill dares of gay activities.

Thank You Notes- the more monogramed the better.

Badminton- a perfect afternoon for a WASP? Playing co-ed badminton with siblings after a lovely lunch at the club house.

Fox Hunting- this sport makes one nostalgic of their childhood. Getting ready with their grandfather in the wee hours of the morning and riling up the hounds. Tis a dying sport within the WASP community.

Summering- WASPS don't vacation. They don't take trips. They yacht, they ski, and they summer. No frequent flyer miles are needed for they have their own jet, on their own landing strip, in their own back yard. And they don't take just a week off. They take the summer off. June, July and August are spent on a boat or at one of their abroad mansions.

Taxidermy Studies- a manly WASP has a study where he can relax, read, smoke his tobacco pipe, sit by the fire with his golden retriever by his feet and view the monstrous endangered animals mounted on his walls. The smell of rare books, rich leather, musty antique rugs and dried solid hide gets a WASPy man real loosened.

Other things WASPs love:

Air kisses

Driving gloves

Sweaters draped over the shoulder

Being right

Swiss banking

Monocles like the Monopoly guy

Not only succeeding but making others fail

Using family titles every time they address them (Father, Mother, Cousin Sally, Uncle George)

Summer Lovin'

Leisure reading, freckle-kissed cheeks, cat napping and hours squandered at the spa can be so painful.